Healing to lose weight…

Im sitting here wondering why it’s such a struggle losing weight this time around.  Then I start realizing that I dont have a distraction, no flirty member of the opposite sex to think about, nothing that would keep my mind anywhere but thinking of the comfort and dullingness of crap food.  Do I feel better eating it? of course not. But in some sick way it’s fulfilling.  But not my physical being or my spirit. It fulfills that part of me that isn’t being fulfilled.

 

I have events coming up that I want to feel good at. I want my kids to be proud of their mother.  I want to be proud of me.  I ask myself… why aren’t you enough of a reason to NOT seek out those comfort foods? Why aren’t you enough in your own mind?  Why is it you can help everyone else on the planet with the same struggles but not yourself?  Why can you not see what everyone else does… with or without extra weight?

 

I believe the reason it’s so hard right now is because I dont have these distractions, I dont have that knowingness inside of me that I am enough. In looking at the fulfilment I receive in some form from chocolate or sweet things, I see the pain Im burying.  Right now Im forced to look at me. Im forced to see my own pain.  And in doing so I honestly believe I may just heal finally.  Every time I want to run to the store to get some cadbury eggs or pringles to eat WITH the chocolate (Salty & sweet ya know?), I find myself asking why?  What are you trying to hide from? It’s not easy.  I win some days and not so much on others.  I have this problem with binging.  It’s a control thing.  If I feel I have no control over my life, the binging comes in to “save” me.  Only it’s destroying my very spirit.   I dont eat much. The volume of food is weak at best. But what I do eat on a binge is very high calorie and sugar and carbs.  Volume is very low, so when I do eat well, I get full too quickly on healthy foods and dont get enough calories.  I’m working on this.

 

I remember growing up not having any control within my life.  Not even as a teen. Nothing! Nada! I was never heard.  And let me tell you… I was very thin then.  I developed this eating disorder back then as a way to control something, ANYTHING, in my life.  Binge and purge.  Not healthy I tell you.  I’ve gained control over most of it, but the binging is a tough one.  My son in law had heard stories but didn’t quiet believe until he came to live here with my daughter for almost a year.  Then he developed a great understanding of what he hadn’t understood.

 

When you grow up “alone” basically. And I mean that in the sense that you take care of yourself, you dont have anyone to tell you your pretty or just plain awesome.  Noone to say, hey, go for it, you can do it!! The only words you hear are telling you how you can be better, how you can lose weight (When I didnt need to), but never really accepting who you are and loving you regardless.  You just compensate and develop the wrong way to see yourself.  My friends do not understand how I can not see what they do.  And I cannot understand completely what they see.  I’m working on this too.  I always tried to be like everyone else that I thought was good, pretty, thin, and nice.  I would have been mortified if I did anything wrong, or got anything less than an A in a class. And well…. if I gained weight.  In not seeing myself as anything worthwhile, I gained.

 

In the past 5 years I made relationship choices not realizing I was worth more. Just one in all this time… and the effects are still with me a little.  I thought I had to give and give and give without recieving anything in return because of how I saw myself.  This has been the toughest pain to overcome.  How do you go from not being able to see your worth to seeing it?  You choose yourself!  You accept yourself! You love yourself!  Not easy.  I was a Pollyanna growing up. Too afraid to really rebel and live.  Though I did choose love and left home at 16.  If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here.  My father said I think too much. He never really understood.  And I never understood why he couldn’t trust me and allow me to make my own mistakes.  That is the worst injustice you can do to a child. Let them have choices in their life. Let them make mistakes and learn from their choices. They will grow up stronger for it.  I left home not knowing what the world was really like. I trusted everyone! Hell, I still do.  But overtime I learned alot. And I’m alive.  I graduated HS. Got married a year later, and had my 2 oldest beautiful children.  I knew exactly what I wanted in life. My son had challenges and in learning about life through him and how he “sees” the world, I went on to college to learn more graduating with double bachelors degrees and high honors.  Yet…. still I could not see my worth.

 

This is my life lesson.

 

I am light years from where I was, but not healed just yet. If I were I would not struggle with my weight. Not in the way that I do.  I tell everyone it’s like an addiction… I take one day at a time and get through it.  If I dont, the food controls me.  I know I can do this… just trying to gain the confidence and self esteem to know the time is NOW.  I’d done it once before, and I was so strong and confident. But not healed.  Therefore when someone came into my life and crushed my spirit, I lost me.  Can you relate?  Maybe not food but any kind of addiction or giving too much.  I dont blame that situation or even my childhood for my weight.  I’m an adult. My choices are my own. My healing process is my own. I guess Im reflecting to try and heal from the sources of my own pain.

 

If we dont face our pain, we can never heal.  I refuse to run from it. And I may struggle for a good while to come before I get through this permanently. But it’s ok. It’s a journey.  As the tears fell today I knew I had to write this down.  With the work I do, and diving guidance I share, I have to be able to walk my talk. (Is that said right? ha ha)  I know you know what I mean.

 

It’s Friday and my youngest son goes with his Dad today for the weekend.  I used to panic and run to the store to “stock up”.  Then I realized what I was doing.  I wasn’t dealing with being alone. I was burying my feelings.  And I had thought I was doing good because I wasn’t keeping myself overly busy… I was staying home and being ok with my own company.  But I was doing it with a binge of sweets.  Not this day!  Today I allow myself to feel and to heal a little bit more. :)

 

This isn’t really a metaphysical post but I thought… what the heck!  I know I’m not the only person out there struggling. If you want to join me on MyFitnessPal, please feel free.   My name there is sallysigns.  Or MapMyHike, my name there is SallyBowers.  Or just facebook. :)

 

Yes I’m human. :)   I’m approachable. :) And I have struggles just like you.  Thats what makes me able to relate in my work so well.

 

Have an awesome rest of your day!!!

Angel Blessings,

Sally :)

10 Responses to Healing to lose weight…
  1. Violette
    February 7, 2014 | 7:39 pm

    Sally, thank you so much for this post!! I can relate to every word you said!! i grew up the same way, treated my self the same way. Until i realized that suppressing my feelings is not gonna help, it will only add more weight that i do not need or want. So, I’m learning how to sit, feel, cry and get it all out without distractions. Last night i came across an article at growinghumankindness.com that said we go for the food because its a safe environment that we know and will not hurt us emotionally. that sparked a light in my eyes!!!
    I take it one day at a time, working on my boundaries and being assertive, taking care of my self and facing my loneliness .. I’m no longer afraid of being alone with me:)
    love ya, Violet

    • Sally Bowers
      March 11, 2014 | 4:43 pm

      Violet Im so happy to hear that. I think Im ok too. It’s funny… that which I thought I had released from my life that pulled me down, was still with me. WAS! It’s finally released. And with that came clarity like nothing Ive ever felt. On two levels. But with this challenge… I became very clear that I will do this and not for anyone else… just for me! What a great feeling :) I wish this for everyone on this journey. We dont always realize the connections of what is holding us back to other things going on in our lives.

      One day at a time girl…
      Love,
      Sally

  2. Tiffany
    February 7, 2014 | 9:00 pm

    Loved this, Sally…you’re great at putting your thoughts on paper. I really enjoyed it, and I can relate ;)

    Yours in the Struggle,
    ~Tiffany~

    • Sally Bowers
      March 11, 2014 | 4:40 pm

      Thank you Tiffany :) I guess we are all in this together. :) Woot!

  3. Donna lesser
    February 7, 2014 | 9:24 pm

    Sally,
    I am right there with your struggles, both mentally and physically. I have yet to love myself totally, but I am starting to with baby-steps. Too many things in my life were out of my control or were where the rug was thrown right out from under me.
    I struggle daily to find that control for myself and I know in my relationship with my husband, I am safe and I know that is strong. But with all my life history, that feeling of the rug thrown right out from under me for some reason still exists and I bury that pain in many different ways.
    Please know that I am always here to tell you what an incredible person you are and what a BIG heart you have. Thank you for being the person that you have always been to me, friend and, in a sort of way, family.
    Angels’ blessings to you, too. They will help you with your struggles too. I truly believe that.
    Love You xoxoxo

    • Sally Bowers
      March 11, 2014 | 4:38 pm

      THey already have <3 Thank you Donna! And yes.. we are family! Always. :)

  4. Gayle Anderholm
    February 8, 2014 | 4:31 am

    ((((((((Sally))))) I love you!!!

    • Sally Bowers
      March 11, 2014 | 4:37 pm

      I love you too Gayle! What a journey huh? This thing we call life… it’s just amazing!

  5. Diana
    February 8, 2014 | 1:28 pm

    You will make it through this struggle, just like all the other things you have conquered. its ok to put yourself first once in a while. make yourself matter to yourself. I wish you COULD see what others see, a beautiful, gentle spirit with an illuminating smile. Your Pollyanna, nothing wrong with that. If more people did the right thing our world would not be in the mess its in. It certainly doesn’t mean you have lived any more or any less, just means you do the right thing for you. I wish you luck on this new journey of beating the sweets. I know you will make it

    • Sally Bowers
      March 11, 2014 | 4:36 pm

      Thankyou Diana!!! I felt a shift of energy not long ago and along with knowing I will do this… came a release of other things Id been holding onto. I think both were interconnected and now Im free. :) Hopefully you know what Im referring to.. ha ha ((((Diana)))) I love you!

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